Well, I’ve taken the plunge and moved in with my guy. It’s been 7 years since I lived with anyone, including my daughter! This may take some getting used to. I find myself wondering if I should be checking in with him to see if he’s ok with the times I book clients since I do massage from home. I find myself wondering if he’s going to have expectations of me that I’m not willing to meet. I find myself wondering if we’ll both get enough alone time. I find myself wondering if he’ll clean up after himself or do laundry or cook dinner. I find myself wondering if he’ll be there for me emotionally if my health declines further.
Obviously I wouldn’t have moved in with my guy if I thought that any of these issues were real, but I must admit I’m a little scared…ok probably more than a little. I’m a person who typically embraces change, so I don’t think it’s just a fear of change. It’s more a fear that I’ve made this commitment that implies I trust someone else to be there for me and that he can trust I’ll be there for him. I don’t know if I even know how to be there for someone. What does it look like? What does it feel like to have someone really there for me? The only people I’ve ever really relied on, if I’m to be truthful, are my parents. I lived with a man for 5 years before and never once listed him as my emergency contact. I never even asked him to drive me to the hospital when I was getting knee surgery- I asked my father. So now as I venture into this kind of commitment once again I ask myself what does it all mean and how I can I ensure that I’m being a good partner and that I’m being open enough for him to be a good partner to me.
One thing, of course, is to communicate all of the things I’m wondering about. To check in and see what his expectations are and make sure we line up and compromise where we need to. That seems like the easy part. Just say what’s on my mind as I wonder about things.
The deeper issue, I think, is to determine what a good relationship looks like to me. What do I need in terms of support. I’m not sure I know. The superficial things are that I want to be able to have fun with him, to talk with him and to be silent with him comfortably. Check, check, check. I want there to be space between us, we are both people who need alone time so that works out. But how do I be there emotionally for him and how does he be there for me? I’m so used to being on my own that it’s hard to figure that out. I raised my daughter by myself (although my parents played a big part). I lived alone for about 15 years before I moved in with the previous guy. Now I’ve lived alone for 7 more. I’m not used to relying on someone else and I suspect that’s not how relationships like this are supposed to work. I think I’m supposed to rely on him a little.
Any advice for a loner yogi venturing into this new life?