This morning I found myself wishing for the oblivion of being drunk. But without drinking. I’ve been sober going on 17 years, I have no intention of ever drinking again. But on occasion I want to escape my life. I know even when I was drinking it never worked. Life was so much messier then, so depressing and so out of control. But I’d like to escape for a bit. Maybe temporary amnesia would do the trick.
Is life so bad? No, not really. But I feel like I’m struggling right now. I haven’t been able to gain a proper perspective in a while. Likely since my Mom died in December. I’ve been slowly sinking into depression again, unsure of how to pull myself out of it. The things I normally do for stress control don’t feel available to me – hard workouts feel out of the question with my kidney function now at 12%. I need to conserve my energy so I can get through work. Meditating has been a bit disastrous. It turns into crying sessions. And I know that I need to let that all out, but sometimes it’s not convenient. And the problem with me is my way to stop crying is to get a little angry. That’s gets my control back. But let’s face it, anger is no coping mechanism. It also makes me feel like a fraud. I’m a yoga teacher. I feel like I’m expected to walking around all peaceful all the time. Smiling because I awoke to another day. Feeling the gratitude of the little things. But honestly, it all feels too hard right now. I want things that I can’t have. I want my daughters life to get easier, I want my boss to be more fair and consistent, I want my kidney function to come back up, I want my father to stop being lonely, I want my family to be better than just OK. And I want my mother back. And I can’t have any of those things.
I’m advised to see someone, that this is grief. But who do I go see? I know intellectually what I need to do. I just can’t seem to get out of my head and do it. I know that I have to stop fighting what I can’t possibly control. And I have to accept the things I cannot change. I know that. But it all seems too much to me right now. I just want an escape.
No I’m not going to drink, I’m not suicidal (for anyone getting all worried about me now). Everything will carry on as per norm. I’m just sad and I don’t know when I’ll stop being sad. Mom, I wish I could talk to you right now.


10 Comments on “Struggling

  1. I am SO proud of you for not drinking for 17 years. That is incredible. I am also proud of you for admitting you want to drink today. That means you won’t. Because you get it, you understand it and you ADMIT your feelings. That is the hardest thing to do, and you are doing it. You have a right to your feelings, you have a right to desire a drug that is the most addictive drug on the planet, you have a right to want to drink if you feel like it, but you’re still not going to, and that is your power. You are a very, very powerful person to do what you do and I admire you so much for that, people who have not walked your shoes could not possibly understand but I do and I think you are incredible. Well done. Keep walking. One foot at a time. You are doing so well, even on days when you feel you are not, you really, really are.

  2. (I’m sitting next to you with a warm hand on your shoulder right now.) Perhaps it is time to get out of your head and into your heart Reena. The heart is where lasting healing takes place. Yep – its means there will be crying and releasing of feelings that have been hidden. Let yourself feel and find freedom beyond the suffering and fear of feeling too much. A counsellor or psychotherapist specializing in grief is a good place to start. On you know if you are ready to go there.
    (Gentle hugs)

  3. Your honesty and vulnerability is so important when we begin to heal our grief Reena. If you live in Australia, I would be happy to see you and support you through your grief. Even if you don’t feel like going to seek help, it’s often where we find our answers and the next step. I wish you strength at this time.

    • Thank you for this Karen. I’m actually in Canada. I have a couple of names of local people and will give them a call.

  4. I understand the idea of getting into oblivion, but without the drinking. I sometimes want to check out, but know that drinking isn’t in the cards. So I try to do what has worked – prayer, meditation, writing, etc. But you know, sometimes those don’t work. So, as I told a friend in recovery tonight on a call, I just sit with it. I hold it’s hand. I don’t judge it. I don’t make rash decisions. I just sit. And in that feeling, I often find something – a small light, a spark – which helps to get me out of my funk. I can’t say I have gone through what you have – it sounds really tough. But I know that feeling of wanting to jump ship. Just want to say that I hear you and pray for you.

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