Not big news, I know. Except that for the last several weeks I have done nothing but throw on some clothes and put my hair in a pony tail and head off to work. Feeling depressed saps your motivation to do the easiest of tasks. In my last post I wrote about knowing what I need to do and told myself to stop being a hypocrite. It turned out I didn’t seem to have the motivation to do any of those things except put on some relaxing music. I was berating myself for not putting one foot in front of the other and just taking care of myself. But I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way and just do what I felt needed to be done.
Mothers Day came and went. I was still feeling pretty trashed on Monday. I actually had to roll out my yoga mat and take a nap on my floor at work (thank god I have an office). My head was aching tremendously, I had some nausea and was still feeling so miserable emotionally. And I was exhausted. The kind of exhausted where I literally can not hold my head up for one more moment. Whether this all has to do with grief, kidney disease or depression I don’t know – maybe some perfect storm combo? – but it’s absolutely awful. But I showed up.
But then yesterday I felt a little glimmer of light coming back. I wasn’t exhausted. I felt myself returning. I cooked after work. I meditated a bit. I felt ok. and now today, I feel like my old self. I did my hair.
I don’t know what’s best for me when I sink low, really low. Sometimes talking about it helps, but then I get tired of talking about it. People have lots of suggestions: mindfulness, breathing, journaling, meditating, taking a walk, relaxation techniques – none of which I could get motivated to do. On good days I can do all of these things and then some. And because I know all of these things I berate myself for not doing them. A part of me wonders if I didn’t fight it, if I actually just took a day and let myself wallow and gave myself permission not even to try if it would pass quicker. Or maybe I’d get stuck. It’s hard to say. That dark place is so painful and feels so all-encompassing that just want to escape myself. And of course, that isn’t possible.
I don’t know what brought me out this time – that Mothers Day with it’s constant reminders went, that I let myself eat sugar Monday night (not likely), I had some coffee yesterday (also not likely), but who cares in the end?
I think the lesson is to find compassion for myself even when I can’t get out of my own way; to make sure that when things are going well that I take the time to do all of the things that keep the darkness at bay and always let myself feel whatever I feel without judgment. It’s so easy to do this for others, I need to do it for me.
For today, I’m feeling good. I did my hair.