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9%

9 ProzentToday I got news that I’m now sitting at 9% kidney function. That’s a scary number – I’m below double digits now! My initial reaction was fear. I’m not ready yet. I don’t have the fistula (access point for dialysis) in yet and that takes about two months to heal. If I need dialysis before that they have to go in through my neck. Not ideal, but doable. I’ve been waiting for the appointment with the surgeon to put the fistula in so I can figure out if I’m teaching yoga this summer or not. The appointment with her is tomorrow afternoon. But I guess there’s more going on than “will I be teaching this summer”. Maybe the question is will I be working this summer?
But you know, I still don’t know the outcome of this journey. And I need to remind myself that nothing is set and all outcomes are still possible. Outcomes that I may never have considered. And so, I need to make my peace with 9% just as I did with 13% and 17% which were numbers that stood out to me.
Who know where this journey is bringing me. I dreamed last night that I was called in for a transplant. That’s still a possibility. The consideration that kidney disease could be the thing that kills me only recently entered my brain and I’m oddly ok with that. Death has never been a fear of mine. Sad to say, but when I consider that there’s a wee sense of relief. Not that I’m looking to die- don’t get me wrong. But there are no great things I have planned right now. It’s not as if I have some great goal that I must achieve first. I’ve done a lot of living and a lot of healing in my life, and if it were my time I’d be alright with it. now my family….likely not so much.
Life can be a beautiful thing and I still think maybe there’s some beauty that’s going to come of this kidney journey. I don’t know what it might look like, but I have a sense. Do you get that?I hope whenever and whatever shape my blessings come in I’m open enough to receive them.
 

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13 Comments on “9%

  1. Peace be with you and many blessings! Your post is beautiful. We should all be thankful for each day we are given.
    Tina

  2. Sending you light and love my dear! I hope you’ll be able to do whatever your heart desires, no matter the situation 🙂

  3. I am sorry you are at this point but thankfully you have dialysis as a fall-back to replace your failing kidneys. You said you wondered about teaching this summer. It may be possible and also may not. Much depends on how you manage it. I was working full-time from 7 to 4 and had two teenage boys at home when I started dialysis. I got the A/V fistula in March 2008 and started dialysis in August 2008. I worked full-time until 2011 when I retired. So, you may be able to do it. Dialysis only takes about 12 to 15 hours a week. There are 167 hours in a week. So, you can see there are plenty of hours left to live, eat, sleep, and teach yoga.
    I hope this is helpful. For more about dialysis and life with it, please visit my blog at http://www.DevonTexas.com
    Devon

    • Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s always important to hear about how others manage; it’s so helpful and hopeful😀

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