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One Year

I’m pretty sure that when my sisters and brother read that title they will all get anxious and sad. I’ll do my best to make this uplifting.
It’s been one year since my Mom passed away. In one way it seems like a lot longer than that, because I’ve never gone so long without seeing her. In another way it feels like a fresh wound. I’ve learned this year that time isn’t really linear, that’s an illusion. Sometimes time feels fast and you stumble your way through life trying to keep up. Other times it goes so slow that you feel frozen in place. I knew that before, but never felt it so tangibly.
I learned this year that I have a family that I can truly rely on. My sisters, my brother and I came together in a new way. It’s as if we were planets circling the sun, our mother, and when our sun burnt out we we joined together to become a super planet. In one way stronger than ever before because we are together, but also with the ability to fall apart because we have each other.
I learned that it’s ok to be the weakest link sometimes. This year I fell apart both physically and mentally. But in the end I’m still here and I’m starting to see my future again. I have my siblings to thank for that.
I learned this year that I have some really good friends who I love. I learned that even when my heart feels broken it can expand to include more people. I’ve had so many shows of support from not only people close to me, but acquaintances offering up healing, prayers, an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Amazing. Even with all the times that I feel like the world is beyond saving, these people keep showing me the good tat is here. I needed that – otherwise I might have lost complete faith in humanity.
I’ve been through a lot of tough times in my life. I’ve had a tendency to shut down, go inside and avoid feeling. Sobriety and yoga brought me away from that. This year there was a temptation to pull away from people I love because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. But I didn’t. I learned to rely on people in a way that I never have before. I learned that that’s where the real strength lies. In admitting that i can’t do this alone.
Although this is a sad and emotional day, I’m grateful for these lessons. I’m glad that I finally came to a place where I can see them, that I don’t feel like I’m on a slow and painful journey to death anymore. I know Mom would be so proud of all of my siblings and of me.
We made it through the first year.

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