I suspected that after my last post someone would feel the need to set me straight. To remind me that there’s no getting out of this kidney disease thing and bring me back to reality. I have not, in fact, lost my mind. In fact, I feel very clear these days and have found myself again in many ways. One of the things that I have found again is faith. Faith that wherever the road leads me will be ok. I’ve also found my way back to keeping all options open. To not closing myself off to any possibilities no matter how improbable. Yes, I’m fully aware that I will more than likely (like 99.9% chance) need that transplant. But I refuse to completely close the door on the idea of spontaneous recovery. Imagine if that were to happen – no surgery for me or a donor. That would be a miracle. And I guess I still believe in miracles.
I’m relatively sure that my mom’s passing and the extreme depression that brought on in me caused my kidneys to degrade much faster than they were on route to do. I had lost hope and will to live. Frankly I didn’t care anymore and while I walked around trying to be normal, I was feeling a longing for death. Not suicidal, but a longing. Is it any wonder with that mindset that my kidney function dropped so low? Of course not. Well, I’ve found myself again. That’s a good thing.
I’m planning realistically for life after a transplant. Looking at the success stories while being aware of potential downfalls. I can actually believe in miracles while maintaining my logical, realistic, mind. I’m planning for a new life that is less stressful, more health and heart centred and more authentic. I’m planning on how I can make a difference in the world. I’m planning for fulfillment and contentment. I will not be let down if I don’t suddenly heal up. I will continue on with my plans.
This disease is in my life for a reason. It may simply be to give me this huge kick in the butt to make the changes I now see are open to me. It may be some other learning that I haven’t yet stumbled upon. I do think that in the end I will look back in it as a blessing. My mother had cancer and was going through chemo for an entire summer. She looked back later at that time as the best summer of her life. There was something she needed to take away from it.
Family and friends, I’m not a delusional kid. I’m a full grown, almost 50 year old woman who has been through a lot in her life, who has learned a lot and has more left to learn. I’m ok, more than ok. I’m in a good place right now. Please celebrate that with me and understand I don’t need to be placated to, I don’t need to put positive spins on not so positive things. This is a time of almost extreme honesty for me. I am finding myself more and more every day. I hope you all can accept who I am right now and who I am becoming.