Sometimes when we say we want to change something about our lives, there are hidden reasons for staying exactly the same. There’s a certain comfort in it for sure. Even when we feel desperately about wanting change, underneath we may worry about what we’ll lose out on because we change some aspect of ourselves.
The reasons are endless from the fear of people judging you to losing someone who won’t ‘get’ the new you. Maybe it will change your peer group to one that has more money even. Whatever the case, we often need to dig pretty deep to figure it out.
I once decided that I would never engage in office gossip again. And for a short time I did, but what ended up happening is I felt like I couldn’t even talk to my office pals. every time I did, there were complaints about this one or that. I felt drawn in again because I wanted to fit in. Fitting in is a shockingly common reason for not changing. Another big one is guilt; we can commiserate with others who are in the same boat, but when our lives change for the better, we feel as if we don’t deserve it for some reason because others didn’t achieve it.
How do you get through it? Well, first you need to identify your reason for not taking the leap. Once identified, get realistic. Do you really think that others would disown you if you stopped gossiping for example? If they did, are they worth your time?
Is guilt a valid response to getting what you want? Again, if others are feeling jealous of you, that’s on them. It’s time or them to step up and put the work in the same way you do.
Working with someone like a coach or a counsellor (depending on where your desire to change is stemming from) can help you phenomonally to look a things a bit differently, to reframe the situation and change your perception of the problem. Find someone you feel good with – take them for a test drive. Coaches often offer a free first session which gives you a great chance to see what working with them will be like. Take advantage of that to find the right fit. It’s very important that the person you end up working with makes you feel safe and comfortable for the deep work that can often be involved.