It’s 2 years today that my mom passed away. It seems crazy to me and often what comes to mind is that I haven’t talked to he in so long. Sometimes that’s a really lonely feeling because she’s the only person I would talk to about certain things. Other times I know how surrounded I am by my very loving family. In some ways it seems like it happened so long ago and in others it’s a fresh wound waiting to split open all over again. It actually happened this past weekend during a meditation at an event. I went into that place of grief, but then shoved it down because it feels like it might never stop. It wasn’t the time. And yet, I know that it happens when it happens and I could have just let myself go and experience it fully and allowed myself to come through the other side. But, I didn’t.
After I lost my Mom a lot changed in my life. Some really great things that I wanted to share with her and some not so great things that I wonder if she knows about. I got a kidney transplant this year from one of those loving family members, my cousin. That was pretty amazing and scary and emotional and full of love and well, just everything balled up in one experience. I changed careers and feel so much more passionate about what I’m doing now. It’s kind of amazing. The not so good thing that happened I haven’t spoken about publicly at all; I also lost my father. Not to a death, he’s alive and well and lives across the street from me actually. I reached out to him a lot after mom died. For the first year I told him over and over that I loved him and that he as still my father and I didn’t;t want to lose him. I guess the message didn’t get through, because the truth is, he never once checked in one me when I was going through a kidney transplant. He didn’t visit me when I spent 10 days in the hospital, he didn’t email or call or message me over facebook. He didn’t show care at all. And that’s when I stopped contacting him, and I knew what that meant- that I wouldn’t hear from him ever again. And that’s exactly what happened. I’ve told myself that he was grieving mom too much, but the truth is he moved on almost immediately and didn’t recognize that he had cut off an entire side of his family including grandchildren who grew up with him, loved him and never expected that he wouldn’t be in their lives anymore. I’ve tried to explain this to myself and to my daughter, but I gave up. I guess the man who came into my life when I was 15 wasn’t ever really my father after all. Blood does run deeper sometimes.
So I’ve lost my parents and feel a bit like an orphan from time to time. And then I remind myself that I’m actually a 50 ear old woman who has had a very interesting and courageous life and who knows how to handle shit. That’s why I became a life and health coach – I know how to handle shit! All the painful experiences of my past culminated to make me the person I am today, and the truth is I am a powerful, compassionate and valuable woman who happens to be a lot like her mom – the one I not only loved so very much, but also admired the hell out of! And if I’m even half of what she was I’m pretty damn good.
Missing you still Mama.