Do you sometimes find yourself putting off being sad or feeling uncomfortable feelings until it’s a more convenient time? I have done this, but the truth is, it simply festers in other ways. For some it comes out as anger, frustration for others, perhaps being completely overwhelmed with life for still others. When these sorts of irritations are coming up constantly it might be a good idea to take the time and dig in to what’s really going on.
Many, many moons ago when I was 17 I had a boyfriend who didn’t show up at a time he was supposed to. When he finally arrived about 3 hours past the appointed time, he asked me if I was angry. I told him, no, I wasn’t angry and explained to him that anger came from being hurt. He was a bit taken aback. Honestly, knowing me at that age, already an alcoholic and holding on to a great deal of anger, I’m quite surprised at the words that came out of my mouth that day. But there it was, a little 17 year old wisdom. When we’re angry, we’re often hurting or afraid.
Lately I’ve been irritable with my partner. Really irritable. I’ve been secretly harbouring all sorts of shameful thoughts (not the kind and loving thoughts that I prefer to practice in my every day). A lot has gone on lately. I had an income source end, started a new position (which is awesome!), been trying to build up my self-employed business (which is so slow and such hard work) and am facing the realization that my money is super tight right now. Oh yeah, plus my sister passed away last month. Thats the piece I’ve been sort of putting off. That’s the piece that I haven’t really dealt with yet. I keep saying I think I grieved her while she was here, because it was a long illness. But now she’s gone. And I’ve carried on (partly because I had to) as if nothing happened. I’ve been quite pragmatic about it. But every time my partner breathes wrong (I’m not even exaggerating) I feel personally assaulted. So I suppose it’s time. It’s time to do the work around my sister and what not having her in my life anymore means. It’s time to do the journaling around it, rather than stepping around it everyday as if stepping around a puddle on the ground. It’s time for contemplation and feeling all the feels. Step 1 will be meditation, step 2 journalling. And now I’m off to get started.